.

悄悄的我走了, 正如我悄悄的来; 我挥一挥衣袖, 不带走一片云彩

Cracked mirrors.

I'm bald now, those mirrors are just collateral damage. Heh.

Maybe I'll cry tomorrow. I won't know.

Like another friend has said, hugs and smiles will have to do.


A venture into the completely unknown. I won't come out of it unscathed, untouched and unchanged. but I sure as hell hope I still breath at the end of all this.

Never had I, in 17 years of my life, left the house for more than a week. Now I'm leaving for months. Into the wild.

Fare thee well.

This is (never) it.

I once thought people invented the calendar to commemorate days left until we die. Then, I grew up. Growing up is probably the stupidest thing I have ever done. How I wished I can stay dumb and innocent like that baby in the maternity ward. Then maybe, all the pain of living life as a grown up would go away.

As adults, we would have to take responsibility of almost every single aspect of our own life. Some ( control freaks ) might actually enjoy this. I, as a perfectly normal-non-sociable person, do not. To a certain extent, I'm afraid. Scared of the choices I will soon have to make, on my own life. If I make a mistake here, I cannot just erase it. I will be scarred for life.

That being said, on a lighter note. Today is the last day of 2009, thereby signaling a complete end to my secondary life. Starting from tomorrow, I will wake up, as a completely (non)responsible and talking adult. I will held responsible for my actions. No more paying children prices for anything. I will be old.

People will be making lots of new year's resolution and spend the better half of the year trying hard and failing to fulfill them. Why bother anyway if you can't commit yourself to a goal that will better enrich your life? I wonder...people can be so mind-baffling at times.

Will be leaving this coming saturday, not that many of you actually read and care. I tell myself to survive this. I don't know how but I have to try. With me gone, who you gonna go for senseless and pointless ramblings and writings? Oh, you poor people.

(Please, just play along, damnit )

I have gone through sixteen new year eves. This is not the first time I have posted something about it. And everytime an ordeal to write anything because I seemed to have ran out of ideas of anything good worth posting besides me liking you.



I wanna stay small, not knowing the world, it's way...and you.

Happy new year.

I hope.

Sympathy.

All I ever do here was have a go at you people's sympathy. Trying to get me some. Apparently, my methods neither worked nor proved effective. Thereby, making all these writings obsolete and irrelevant. Just like how everything is for me.

Given how personal I take, even the tiniest of things which many will consider trivialities and of course my brittle and fragile mental state. I get upset alot by (myself) people.

Unlike so many of you, my upset(s) last for a very long long time. Somewhere along the line, I will recall back stuff. Bad and negative stuff always stirred my memories. These recollections then haunt my day to day life for a while more. Then, they hide, for a while. The process kinda repeats itself. Like that bad song on repeat.

But-

no more fake sympathies, apologies, eulogies.

I'm gonna say it again. I still love you, like the first time I drank red wine.

I hated it at first, the taste was repulsive. Slowly then, unknowingly and unbeknown to myself, I was in love. Hooked. Drunk. Not-sober. Shit.

Then, we have the present situation that is now. The now which stinks and sucks.



One week.

What's with me and countdowns.

I don't know but apparently, I missed this one.

Merry Christmas. I wonder why though.

Not drunk.

Promises made, then broken.

Guess what? It's the eve of yet another christmas. Why do we even celebrate it? I am not a christian myself, as contrary to popular belief. Yet, I am getting all hyped up and excited at another episode of me spending my christmas with the TV.

The reason? God knows.
(Pun intended)

I have looked for people to spend my christmas with, looked and failed. I have promised to spend this festive, might be my last, with you. Yet another broken promise to myself. So, I wonder myself, why do the context 'you' comes up in my blogging so often? I still cling onto childish fantasies that you might read. It's usually the clinging that gets you branded 'emo fag'

Back to christmases, I have spent about 16 of them. Quite handful, I can still vividly remember that one time when I spent it alone. I drank a toast to myself, wishing for more. Wine, that is.

Oh, I have also given myself the promise of calling you. Seems like all I can do is breaking.

A few of my more religious friends have invited me to spend the night over their churches. It's rude to turn them down but turned them down I did. I do not want to disappoint anyone anymore. I am just going to be boring myself at such places. I am not born for this kind of thing. Not that I have anything against Christianity.

It's nice that you guys asked anyway.

The past week, I've been thinking. About you, no doubt. The more revealing the truth is the more I think. And of course tears of grief follows. I wished I never met you. Saves me all those gallons of salty tears.

But I do. The problem lies herein, I do. You don't.



So, Christmas eve. Stay at home. Shit.

Beauty.

I'm a very selfish person, I'd never thought that I would have the ability to love anyone besides my family and myself. I often laugh smugly but silently at those 'struck' by love, never realizing its potency at killing a person deeply from the inside.

One hit. One kill.
Damned cupids.

To those whom I came forth with my worries and woes, your advice and consolation shall always be remembered. To anyone else, know that I am but a flawed individual who has yet to understand fully how human networking works. Things don't happen just because you want them to, you have to have the ability to make them work.


So, time for a story. SPM style.

It's one of the quirky things you get from being in an all-boys school. I have little to none female contacts yet I have always been fascinated by the opposite sex. I treat conversation with any female friend cautiously, always analyzing and observing our interaction, not daring to get closer than I was comfortable with. My way has worked for me for a very long time because I prefer spending time on the computer, alone.

It says a lot about a person from the way they treat the world around them. I hide myself behind layers of secrecy and wry humor, ever guarded against people. That, is the normal way of life, my way to go through life.

Everything about me has changed ever since meeting you. An exaggerated statement, no doubt, but who are you to prove me wrong?

Like anyone who has sailed through their form 4 life without much things worth remembering, aside from my face on the table, there isn't really much memories fonder to dig from the past year. With that said, of course I'm suffering academically, struggling to understand all those unrelated subjects and relate them to my life. Failing which, I seek assistance from renowned tuition centers.

The center has helped, to certain degree, in my academics. I have always hated tuition because they proved me to be unable, relying on others because I couldn't manage on my own. Nevertheless, help I seek and help I received. What I never thought would happen was meeting my mates from primary school.

Through them, I met you. As I was, I treated everyone indifferently. Not knowing how to build relationships and maybe a little afraid. I try mingling but still stayed at a safe distance. For me, everything was working out. My tuition times are no longer as boring as they once were, for I had company. Life was good.

I was getting to know a couple new friends. It was something new, I'd admit I took my sweet time adapting. Well, few extra acquaintances here and there never hurt anyone. Or so I thought.

It would seem that not everything I thought would prove to be infallible. The talking, laughing and quiet moments spent scribbling down what's on the board. Perhaps I, being a person filled to the brim with negative views on life, was attracted to your positivity and cheerful outlook on life. At first I was confused, tried to treat it as mere temporary confusion but I'd admit, being swept off clean your feet is both an instant bliss and helluva pain.

I do not know the name of the force which has drawn me to you. I'm just both resentful and grateful that it has gotten me thus far. A few months into our relationship, I can see that I longed for something more. My longing soon becomes lamenting and then into a constant reminder of how mournful of life I have become.

Time spent together with you. They were few but they were more than words can describe. After our fateful encounter, I can longer find such joy in anything else. I've changed in such a way that I seem to enjoy my time spent alone, less and less. I want company in the form of friends. I want everything to do with you. I write all my posts about you. I even dreamed about you.

That was all it takes for me to find love, feel it, clench it tightly around my knuckles, and learn to let go. The learning process is what many has described as a sad and painful experience. As of now, I am still learning.


I have changed because of you, from a social recluse to a more sociable person. Many things I have done, in your name. I am a fool. A happy fool who has been totally entranced by your enthralling and timeless beauty. It is your beauty of the heart that has made me fall for you that until now I cannot stand up. I shall treasure the image of your beauty in my heart for a very long time.

We might never be together but still, I hope for a better future. Hope is for those too weak to have true faith yet they cling to it.

The end. Now stop laughing behind my back.

A+ for GCE? In my bloody dreams.

Midnight.

A very enlightening conversation with Suz, everything seems clear to me now.

It's gonna take a few days for me to take it all in but I suppose I have to manage on my own.

Sleep will be impossible but I have to try.

No more cryptic love messages etched on my wall.

Finally, I can curl up in a corner and die.